Missing My Girls

Tonight I was sitting in my hotel room flipping through the channels when a show about the Secret Service came on.  I learned something I didn't know.  The Secret Service was first established after the assassination of President William McKinley in 1901.  I always thought they were formed after Lincoln was shot.  The show went on to talk about the failures of the Secret Service and how the death of President Kennedy could have been mitigated by security precautions that were ignored.  It also talked about the reaction and training that the agents go through in order to react to numerous different situations.  It talked about the reaction time of agents when President Reagan was shot.  All in all a pretty interesting show with a lot of insights into the Secret Service, which very much so is a secret service.

I don't ramble on about a television show without reason.  I bring it up because all three of my girls were already on my mind prior to the show even coming on.  I had been looking at the new pictures of us together and pondering the relationships I have with each of them.  Each relationship unique and very different from one another.  I've oftentimes talked about the changes in the relationships I've had with my daughters before and after deployments.  I've said many times over that dealing with a lot of what I have seen is pale in comparison to my own children wanting nothing to do with me when I got home.  It's difficult to get over that.  It is a constant process in which months stretch into years before the uniqueness of the new relationship overshadows the physical and emotional gaps caused by deployments.

I will give an example.  McKinley from birth was very much so a Daddy's Girl.  She was the baby that let me feed her and rock her.  She almost always favored me over Heidi.  I cherished every single minute of it.  If any of the girls had me wrapped around their finger it was her.  Reagan, my Brutus, was the exact opposite.  The only reason I didn't sell that kid was because she made me laugh.  I would get so frustrated with how much disliked me.  Heidi and I only had Kennedy during the first deployment.  She was a baby then.  From experience I knew to expect changes before I got home from my second deployment.  Expecting doesn't always mean you are prepared though.  I remember it as if it were yesterday how all three of them came running down those concrete steps to rush into my arms.  I remember fighting back tears of joy being able to hold them again.  I can still hear the words of McK as she's hugging me she says, "Daddy, I missed you."  All was great for a while.  After a couple of weeks of being home I noticed how McK didn't really favor me any longer.  I no longer had my Daddy's Girl.  She didn't want a whole lot to do with me.  Still to this day she doesn't really like me a whole lot most of time.  Brutus on the other hand is my little buddy.  I noticed an immediate change in her.  All of a sudden she liked me.

I will not talk about my relationship with Kennedy tonight.  This will be our third separation.  She is growing up before my eyes and I cannot do anything to slow it down.  Overnight it seems she is morphing from my first born child into a young lady.  It hurts that I will not be there for her over the next year.

Some of you reading this may think that all children go through these phases.  I completely agree.  I also know deployments change the relationships for months/years after being reunited.  Heidi and I have talked many hours about this and how it's affected our family.  For me it is constantly on my mind and causes great anxiety.  Sitting alone in a quiet hotel room 700 miles from them doesn't help much.

I feel as though I'm starting to ramble on the keyboard as it's been a long day and I'm starting to fade.

Please, if you take anything away from this post tonight, take these two things:
1. If you're blessed enough to be able to go kiss your sleeping children before you climb into bed, do so.  Thank the Lord that He picked YOU to be their parent.  And tomorrow and the day after that don't forget to do the same.
2. I love my daughters more than I can put into words.  K-K, Brutus, and Pester...see you in my dreams tonight.