Father and Daughters

Lately I have spent a lot of time thinking about my children.  I am surrounded by reminders of them.  At my office I have pictures that they have colored for me as well as the Father's Day card which has a picture of all of us.  I also have the pictures we had taken prior to me deploying.  In my room, right next to my bed, taped to the wall are the pictures that I had with each of the girls at Chuck E. Cheese's in Jacksonville, North Carolina, while I was doing predeployment training workups.

I am constantly checking Heidi's Facebook page for new pictures of the girls.  I know that the children in the pictures are my own, but they are not the way that I remember them.  I see my daughters growing up through photographs.  It is a double-edged sword.  On one hand I love seeing those bright blue eyes that all three of them inherited from their mother.  I love seeing the expressions on their faces.  It allows me to imagine what they are thinking or saying at the moment the picture was taken.  I smile.

The other side of the sword often cuts deep.  It reminds me of how very far away from them that I am.  I see the things that they are doing and the places that they are going without me.  It hurts that I'm not there with them.  I miss giving hugs and butterfly kisses in our own secret, special way that no one else knows each night before they fall asleep.

That's the thing that I wonder about the most.  I know reconnecting with the kids after a deployment is a challenge.  Maybe not at first, but eventually there's some fallout of being gone for so long.  Trust me, after a couple of deployments I have firsthand experience.  It's the little things.  When the kids get hurt they don't come to me, they go to Heidi.  When the kids want some chocolate milk they don't go to me, they go to Heidi.  When they are tired they don't want to lay on my lap, they lay on Heidi's.  This time I wonder if Kennedy has grown to the age where she no longer needs butterfly kisses from her dad.

KK was just a baby when I left and returned the first time.  She was a little older the last time.  I don't think Reagan or McKinley have any recollection of my second deployment.  I'm glad for that.  I'd rather them not remember me being gone.  This time though there is no way around it.  Kennedy especially is at an age where she'll remember me being gone.  The other two will hopefully forget over time.  I hope that when they are older they will understand why I chose this job.

I try not to dwell on the what if's of returning.  There are too many things more important than that mind game.

I miss my girls.  More than they know.  Even from the other side of the world, in the terrible place that I am, they bring a joy to my life that I cannot describe with words.  I am about two months away from being with them again.  To say that I can't wait would be an understatement.

What To Talk About

I've been thinking all night tonight that I should have something to say.  I should talk about something that's happened recently or some of the thoughts that I've had.  Here's what I've come up with..........

I almost cut off my pointer finger on my left hand.  Being that I'm left-handed, that probably would not have been really all that good for me.  I didn't really almost cut it off, but I had a nasty gash about an inch and a half long.  The really deep part was right next to the finger nail.  The medical officer told me that if it hadn't been so close to the nail she would've put a few stitches in my finger.  Instead they used this stuff called Dermabond, which is basically super glue to close the wound.

Good story, huh?

Happy Anniversary

To My Wonderful Wife of 11 Years,

Like I mentioned on the phone tonight, unfortunately we have spent many anniversaries apart from each other due to the Marine Corps.  I'd venture a guess we've been physically apart at least 5 of those 11 years due to a Marine Corps school or op or deployment somewhere.

Looking back I cannot say that we've really had any bad times together.  We've gone through some things that weren't exactly fun, but we went through them together.  We have both individually grown in different ways over the last decade+, but our relationship continues to grow together.  I am excited to see what the next decade+ will bring.

You and I are blessed to share three beautiful daughters together.  You know that the four of you mean the world to me.  Thank you for being understanding and accepting of me and who I am.  Thank you for not complaining about being apart for so many of our anniversaries.  Even though it usually gets me out of buying an anniversary present or taking you out to dinner, you know I would I if could.

Today marks the passing of one more year and the start of another in our marriage.  Here's to another year together.

You know I love you,
ASC

P.S.
It's less than two months to go...almost to the home stretch.  Hang in there a little while longer!

Set Me In Motion

All day today I was dreading what I knew I'd have to make myself do tonight.  Yesterday I worked outside most of the day, in the 120+ temps.  I was exhausted and dehydrated.  I knew yesterday afternoon I would not be able to have a good workout being in the condition that I was in.  Therefore I knew I had to make it happen today.

I work out at night.  Anyone that knows me knows that I cannot get my butt out of bed in the mornings to save my life.  Instead I start my workout routine around 8-8:30 at night.  By this time it's cooled off to at least 110 degrees.

Lately I've been having more pain in my knees and ankles during and after my run.  I have been extremely disappointed in my performance the last couple of weeks.  I have not been able to get into a good rhythm while I'm running.  The whole time I feel "off".  My run times have been atrocious....the slowest pace I have ever run.  The distances I've been running are shorter than what I expected to be running at this point.  Overall I'm pretty bummed about the whole deal.

Tonight was not any different than most other nights.  I couldn't have been a quarter mile down the road before I had to stop and walk a little because my knees where killing me.  I walked it off and kept going, refusing to quit, even if it hurt me.  I struggled along through the rest of mile 1.  About a mile and half into my endeavor I was to turn around and head back.  I couldn't get comfortable, my knees were on fire, and the effects of dehydration were kicking in.  I tried to stave off the pain by throttling back a little.  Not that I was blazing a trail by any means, but I slowed way down and started focusing on my breathing and my form.

About this time a certain song popped on my iPod.  Yeah, yeah, I know it's against regulations to run with headphones on, but I'm a gunnery sergeant now...I do what I want to do!  Back to the song...It was a song from the movie Backdraft.  Bruce Hornsby's "Set Me In Motion."  Whenever I hear the song it reminds me of the movie, which in turn reminds me of my old man.  At that moment I got to thinking about running with my dad.

I'm not sure why I did it, but instead of turning around and the end of the road, I turned the corner and kept going.  I had only planned on about 3 and a half mile run.  Next thing I know I'm breezing through mile 4 and now mile 5.  Okay, okay, I wasn't breezing through any of it.  But thinking about the miles my dad has run over the years helped pushed me through mine tonight.  I was in a comfortable rhythm and running at a comfortable pace.  I was still feeling the effects of trying to run in the heat and being on the dehydrated side, but at least I had forgotten about the pain in my knees.  I smartly wrapped it up somewhere around mile 6.  I'm not sure how far it was exactly, but a lot farther than I intended when I started out.

I know if I had looked left or right I wouldn't not have seen anyone, but tonight I know that my dad was there with me every step of the way.  Thanks for the run, Pops.

Keep On Keeping On

I haven't really felt like writing a lot lately.  I'm still pretty upset about my friend Scott.  I'm pretty much over the shock of it.  Now the sadness and loss has set in.  It hurts that I won't be able to be there for his viewing or his funeral.  It hurts that I remember telling him that I'd see him later the last time we saw each other.  I've known other people that were killed or wounded in Iraq, but Scott was a buddy.  Words cannot express everything, I guess.

Time heals all wounds, they say.  We'll see.  Keep on keeping on, as my lil sister would tell me.

My good friend Tim recently was in charge of a recovery mission on the north side of Marjeh.  I know he was stressed to the max trying to stay safe, keep his Marines safe, and get the job done.  I had no doubt in my mind that he would accomplish all three of those things.  Knowing him the way that I do I was thankful that they had a fairly uneventful trip.  Tim's not the one to walk away from a fight.  Needless to say I was relieved when I saw him the other morning, back at Dwyer.  I don't think I could handle anything happening to another friend this go round.

So anyways....what's new for me?  I finished up a pretty high visibility project in the last week.  I'm pretty stoked about that.  I was working 18-19 hour days for a while trying to keep up.  It was definitely a good distraction from all that was going on around me.  In retrospect I cannot believe how quickly the last 6 weeks have gone.  I even got to sleep in the other day.  That was something I've not had the chance to do since arriving in Afghanistan back in March.

I'm taking it a day at a time.  That's all I can do, I suppose.  I look forward to crawling into my rack each night.  That signifies the end of another day.  That's what I looked forward to the most each day.

At this stage of the deployment I think I've reached the halfway point.  Halfway home!  Not close enough!  Keep on keeping on!

My Friend Scott Smith

I write tonight with a heavy heart.  My day started off with a message from my buddy Matt informing me that another friend, Scott Smith, was killed in action yesterday in Khowst Province, Afghanistan.

Scott was a Marine.  He honorably served an enlistment as a Marine combat engineer.  A few years back Scott was interested in coming back into the Marine Corps, this time as a reservist.  He even came out to get a tour from me on a drill weekend.  For whatever reason, Scott chose not to enlist into the Marine Corps Reserve at that time.  Instead he decided to join the Indiana National Guard.  This guy was the most patriotic individual I’ve ever met.  All he wanted to do was serve his country in a time of war.  He volunteered for deployment after deployment, finally landing a spot on one to Afghanistan.

It hurts me now to remember back how much Scott admired me for the previous deployments I’ve made.  I admired him 10 times moreover.  He had already served his time.  He was a little older, not in as good of shape, and had three daughters that he was responsible for.  He made that decision to come back into the military for the sole purpose of deploying to Iraq or Afghanistan and doing his part.

I could go on about Scott for a while.  He was a good man.  I was looking forward to swapping stories with him once we both returned back to work at Raytheon.  My heart breaks for his daughters, especially on the eve of Father’s Day.  I remember the last thing I told Scott on his last day of work before his deployment.  I told him the usual about taking care of each other, be smart, don’t be a hero, etc.  I told him I’m not good with goodbyes.  I told him that instead of goodbyes, it was “I’ll see you later.”  As if I needed another reason to hate this country, I think I just found it.

My Civilians

I wish that I had a dollar for every comment or conversation I've had defending my civilian contractors.  Too many Marines are quick to say they are out here strictly to make a quick buck.  I've had way too many Marines comment on how much money these guys are making out here.

Today we had 2 of our civilians in an IED strike.  One of them walked away shaken up.  The other I spent a few minutes talking to in the ICU.  He is being medevaced out of the country.

I guarentee you that those guys deserve more money than they currently make!  Anyone that says otherwise is just a plain fool.