I'd be remiss to say that I've been just a little down since yesterday afternoon. I drove the twenty minutes from the airport back to my hotel in silence. I've talked about how hard it is to say my goodbyes, and I've just said my last one in person that I have to make. A part of me is relieved that I'm done with it. I've only had to say goodbyes to Heidi four times now. It's gotten rather old doing so. Each time it's gotten a little harder.
I'm thankful that I have a wife that understands me the way she does. Over the course of the weekend it came up in conversation that I was not going home on "block leave." For those of you who do not know what that is, it's the amount of time that we are allowed prior to deploying overseas. I was not going to volunteer the information to Heidi that I was voluntarily choosing to not take any block leave to go home one last time. I figured that she would assume that if I had the opportunity to come home that I'd be there in a heartbeat. I figured she'd be upset with me for not wanting to come home. When she found out about it, she understood without having to ask why I'd made the decision that I had made. She knew that I am ready to go. My bags are packed, I've said my goodbyes, and I'm just ready to get there to get the clock started.
I don't fully understand my own rationale sometimes. Why on earth would I not want to see my little ones one last time while I have the opportunity. Why wouldn't I want to sleep in my own bed, with my own pillow, one last time. (I'm assuming that I still have the same pillow, that is unless someone stole it....AGAIN!) Why wouldn't I want to spend time with those that I love. I cannot describe it with words other than to simply say that I am mentally prepared to deploy again and I can't change that. The next airplane I get on is the one taking me to the other side of the world.
Riding in silence yesterday, and sitting in my quiet hotel room yesterday and today has afforded me the opportunity to reflect on how blessed I am being allowed the time I have with those that I have. I know that if you'd ask her Heidi would say she's the fortunate one, or the lucky one, or whatever else, for being married to me. I'm not quite sure I agree with her on that one. She definitely puts up with more than I realize. She makes more sacrifices than I care to admit. She carries more of a burden than any husband should put on his wife. She wouldn't tell anybody any of that, but it's true.
I sat down today to compile my thoughts into some fashion that is this blog. I decided to check Heidi's blog before doing so. The words and actions of my wife never cease to humble me. She always seems to put me back in my place and to refocus my priorities. I always kick myself for taking so long to realize how truly fortunate and blessed I am for having Heidi. I am definitely a better man for having Heidi as my wife.
You say you just miss me...I know how you feel.
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I cannot remember if I've plugged Heidi's blog. For her side of the story check out musings.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Greatest Generation
I've recently watched the HBO series "The Pacific." For those of you not familiar with it, it's about the United States Marines during World War 2. The series briefly touches on three and a half years of the island hopping campaign as much as a couple hours of a drama possibly could. All the way from Guadalcanal to Okinawa, and back home again. The show portrays the Marines that are idolized in today's Corps. These were the men that solidified the purpose of the Marine Corps. These were the men that Admiral Chester Nimitz heroized when he said "Uncommon valor was a common virtue."
My grandfather was a veteran of the South Pacific. He never really talked about it. Few of you could understand. Those of you who cannot, count yourselves blessed. I know that by the very few stories he'd tell that he experienced the horrible things that men do to one another in war.
I understand why he never talked about those things. Those stories are not ones that are brought up sitting around the camp fire let alone some idle Thursday night sitting around in the living room. There are some stories I will never tell. There are stories that I've regretting telling and wish I could take back so that no one else knows them. There are memories that I will remain silent about for the rest of my life...as it should be.
I never had the chance to tell my grandpa how much in awe of his military service I am. Not just him, but my Great-Uncle Jack as well. He too is a veteran of the South Pacific. I never tire of listening to him talk about his days during World War 2. I respect and admire him more than he'll ever know. I certainly look forward to getting back home to see him again.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this. It's mostly just a feeble attempt on my part to let you know how much I respect and admire our Greatest Generation, namely those that I'm fortunate enough to be related to.
Before I wrap this up tonight I will pass on this short story that my grandpa told me about on a few rare occasions when he'd talk about the war. His unit was on a train moving from southern Australia to northern Australia in preparation for the taking back of New Guinea from the Japanese. As they were moving along my grandpa, as well as many of the other men, were firing their rifles and pistols at the kangaroos that were hopping parallel to the train. My favorite part of the story wasn't the story itself. It was always the mischievous twinkle in his eyes when he'd tell it to me. I certainly miss him.
My grandfather was a veteran of the South Pacific. He never really talked about it. Few of you could understand. Those of you who cannot, count yourselves blessed. I know that by the very few stories he'd tell that he experienced the horrible things that men do to one another in war.
I understand why he never talked about those things. Those stories are not ones that are brought up sitting around the camp fire let alone some idle Thursday night sitting around in the living room. There are some stories I will never tell. There are stories that I've regretting telling and wish I could take back so that no one else knows them. There are memories that I will remain silent about for the rest of my life...as it should be.
I never had the chance to tell my grandpa how much in awe of his military service I am. Not just him, but my Great-Uncle Jack as well. He too is a veteran of the South Pacific. I never tire of listening to him talk about his days during World War 2. I respect and admire him more than he'll ever know. I certainly look forward to getting back home to see him again.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this. It's mostly just a feeble attempt on my part to let you know how much I respect and admire our Greatest Generation, namely those that I'm fortunate enough to be related to.
Before I wrap this up tonight I will pass on this short story that my grandpa told me about on a few rare occasions when he'd talk about the war. His unit was on a train moving from southern Australia to northern Australia in preparation for the taking back of New Guinea from the Japanese. As they were moving along my grandpa, as well as many of the other men, were firing their rifles and pistols at the kangaroos that were hopping parallel to the train. My favorite part of the story wasn't the story itself. It was always the mischievous twinkle in his eyes when he'd tell it to me. I certainly miss him.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Parting Moments
I haven't really felt like blogging the last couple of weeks or so. My thoughts keep going back to my last hug with Kennedy. It has been a memory that as soon as it comes up I have to quickly move to another thought or my eyes begin to tear up. It's always hard leaving saying goodbye to the girls. This time was definitely different for me. I knew that this was the last time I'd see them till I returned from Afghanistan.
I knew that when K-K didn't break her embrace that something was wrong. Then I could hear her start crying. Absolutely broke my heart. Words were difficult with Kennedy. She, unlike her sisters, is way too aware of what potential dangers lie ahead for me. It's hard knowing that she's growing up so quickly.
It's taken me a couple days to put these thoughts in writing. In the meantime I've kept myself busy writing. As I've done for all my past deployments, I painfully and tearfully put together my "Just In Case" letters for each of the girls. Those have always been difficult to write. You never realize how hard it is to put words on paper that are supposed to represent a lifetime of advice, wishes, and expressions of love. Try it some time. I guarantee it will remind you how truly blessed you are to have the children you do. You'll better appreciate the time you are with them. You'll wish you could go back and read "Goodnight, Moon" just one more time to them as they sit in your lap. Anyways...I will hold on to my letters. I certainly do not anticipate them being needed, but I wanted to be fully prepared. I will hang on to them and let the girls have them when they're older.
It's taken me a dozen nights of sitting in front of the computer to put the previous three short paragraphs together. I've typed sentence after sentence only to end up deleting it. At this point I need to finish these jumbled thoughts.
I keep going back to Kennedy crying as I'm holding her, Reagan already counting down the days till November, and McKinley telling me that she misses me. I miss my girls more than these black characters on a white background can ever spell out.
The "firsts" that we all got to share together while Heidi and the girls were in North Carolina were ones that I will forever remember and forever cherish. Their first time in a hotel room, on a vacation for that matter. Going bowling and spending time on a battleship. Splashing in the Atlantic Ocean and picking up loads of seashells. Reagan talking to the seagulls. Heidi and her tank crossing signs. Kennedy constantly wanting to go prank Uncle Tim down the hall. McKinley being her "normal" self (those of you who know her know what I mean!).
Since I left in November I've said goodbye to them four times. One when I left for predeployment training in Quantico. Two when I left for Camp Lejeune. Three when I came back to Camp Lejeune after Christmas and New Year's leave. The fourth was a few weeks ago when they departed North Carolina after spending the long weekend out here with me. Number four was definitely the hardest.
I knew that when K-K didn't break her embrace that something was wrong. Then I could hear her start crying. Absolutely broke my heart. Words were difficult with Kennedy. She, unlike her sisters, is way too aware of what potential dangers lie ahead for me. It's hard knowing that she's growing up so quickly.
It's taken me a couple days to put these thoughts in writing. In the meantime I've kept myself busy writing. As I've done for all my past deployments, I painfully and tearfully put together my "Just In Case" letters for each of the girls. Those have always been difficult to write. You never realize how hard it is to put words on paper that are supposed to represent a lifetime of advice, wishes, and expressions of love. Try it some time. I guarantee it will remind you how truly blessed you are to have the children you do. You'll better appreciate the time you are with them. You'll wish you could go back and read "Goodnight, Moon" just one more time to them as they sit in your lap. Anyways...I will hold on to my letters. I certainly do not anticipate them being needed, but I wanted to be fully prepared. I will hang on to them and let the girls have them when they're older.
It's taken me a dozen nights of sitting in front of the computer to put the previous three short paragraphs together. I've typed sentence after sentence only to end up deleting it. At this point I need to finish these jumbled thoughts.
I keep going back to Kennedy crying as I'm holding her, Reagan already counting down the days till November, and McKinley telling me that she misses me. I miss my girls more than these black characters on a white background can ever spell out.
Since I left in November I've said goodbye to them four times. One when I left for predeployment training in Quantico. Two when I left for Camp Lejeune. Three when I came back to Camp Lejeune after Christmas and New Year's leave. The fourth was a few weeks ago when they departed North Carolina after spending the long weekend out here with me. Number four was definitely the hardest.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Snow Day
Last night I was informed that we were on a two hour delay for reporting to work today. So when I woke up (I got to sleep in by the way) at 0630 I was laughing at how slow the Marine Corps really is sometimes. There was not a single flake on the ground! So I go about my morning routine getting ready. Shave, start the coffee, shower. While I was getting dressed I moved over to open the blinds. No, not because I'm an exhibitionist, but because by this time it's light out. Besides, I live on the fourth floor! Anyways, to my surprise when I opened the blinds was one of the heaviest snowfalls that I can remember in a long time. 0730 rolls around and it's time to leave. It took the normal 45 minutes to drive all 8 miles to work as usual. Minutes before we get there my friend TK gets a text telling him our report time was just changed to 1000. Having just under two hours to kill we decided to head over and chill out in the PX parking lot. I thought it'd be funny parking in the general's parking spot, so I did. While we're there waiting we received further word that the base was going to shut down due to the winter storm that was "dumping" snow on us. So we start heading back to the hotel, again just 8 miles away. By this point I had long smashed my large cup of coffee I usually drink in the mornings out here. Without giving another thought I push north towards the main gate. About a mile down the road (30 minutes later) I really had to go to the bathroom. I could not just go on the side of the road. Once we finally made it off base I couldn't stop somewhere in town because I was in cammies. It got to the point I had to empty a half full water bottle that was in the back seat just in case I needed to use it. It was so bad that for the last few minutes of the ride I told TK that there was no talking and that I needed complete concentration or I was going to wet myself. Being the good friend he is he kept finding things that would make me laugh, making me almost let go. It took us two hours to get back to the hotel. Two hours! Just so I don't keep in suspense any longer, I did indeed make it back to my room in time.
All said and done we received a few inches of snow today. Keep in mind that here in coastal North Carolina, I think that equates to somewhere around a few feet. It's amazing how such a little amount of snow shut down an entire Marine Corps base! Not that I'm complaining. In fact, I already have a two hour delay tomorrow morning. Trust me though, I will take it easy on the coffee.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Upcoming Birthdays
Tonight on the phone Reagan told me, "Dad, it stinks you're going to miss everyone's birthday...well, except your own."
I totally agree kiddo.
I totally agree kiddo.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Missing My Girls
Tonight I was sitting in my hotel room flipping through the channels when a show about the Secret Service came on. I learned something I didn't know. The Secret Service was first established after the assassination of President William McKinley in 1901. I always thought they were formed after Lincoln was shot. The show went on to talk about the failures of the Secret Service and how the death of President Kennedy could have been mitigated by security precautions that were ignored. It also talked about the reaction and training that the agents go through in order to react to numerous different situations. It talked about the reaction time of agents when President Reagan was shot. All in all a pretty interesting show with a lot of insights into the Secret Service, which very much so is a secret service.
I don't ramble on about a television show without reason. I bring it up because all three of my girls were already on my mind prior to the show even coming on. I had been looking at the new pictures of us together and pondering the relationships I have with each of them. Each relationship unique and very different from one another. I've oftentimes talked about the changes in the relationships I've had with my daughters before and after deployments. I've said many times over that dealing with a lot of what I have seen is pale in comparison to my own children wanting nothing to do with me when I got home. It's difficult to get over that. It is a constant process in which months stretch into years before the uniqueness of the new relationship overshadows the physical and emotional gaps caused by deployments.
I will give an example. McKinley from birth was very much so a Daddy's Girl. She was the baby that let me feed her and rock her. She almost always favored me over Heidi. I cherished every single minute of it. If any of the girls had me wrapped around their finger it was her. Reagan, my Brutus, was the exact opposite. The only reason I didn't sell that kid was because she made me laugh. I would get so frustrated with how much disliked me. Heidi and I only had Kennedy during the first deployment. She was a baby then. From experience I knew to expect changes before I got home from my second deployment. Expecting doesn't always mean you are prepared though. I remember it as if it were yesterday how all three of them came running down those concrete steps to rush into my arms. I remember fighting back tears of joy being able to hold them again. I can still hear the words of McK as she's hugging me she says, "Daddy, I missed you." All was great for a while. After a couple of weeks of being home I noticed how McK didn't really favor me any longer. I no longer had my Daddy's Girl. She didn't want a whole lot to do with me. Still to this day she doesn't really like me a whole lot most of time. Brutus on the other hand is my little buddy. I noticed an immediate change in her. All of a sudden she liked me.
I will not talk about my relationship with Kennedy tonight. This will be our third separation. She is growing up before my eyes and I cannot do anything to slow it down. Overnight it seems she is morphing from my first born child into a young lady. It hurts that I will not be there for her over the next year.
Some of you reading this may think that all children go through these phases. I completely agree. I also know deployments change the relationships for months/years after being reunited. Heidi and I have talked many hours about this and how it's affected our family. For me it is constantly on my mind and causes great anxiety. Sitting alone in a quiet hotel room 700 miles from them doesn't help much.
I feel as though I'm starting to ramble on the keyboard as it's been a long day and I'm starting to fade.
Please, if you take anything away from this post tonight, take these two things:
1. If you're blessed enough to be able to go kiss your sleeping children before you climb into bed, do so. Thank the Lord that He picked YOU to be their parent. And tomorrow and the day after that don't forget to do the same.
2. I love my daughters more than I can put into words. K-K, Brutus, and Pester...see you in my dreams tonight.
I don't ramble on about a television show without reason. I bring it up because all three of my girls were already on my mind prior to the show even coming on. I had been looking at the new pictures of us together and pondering the relationships I have with each of them. Each relationship unique and very different from one another. I've oftentimes talked about the changes in the relationships I've had with my daughters before and after deployments. I've said many times over that dealing with a lot of what I have seen is pale in comparison to my own children wanting nothing to do with me when I got home. It's difficult to get over that. It is a constant process in which months stretch into years before the uniqueness of the new relationship overshadows the physical and emotional gaps caused by deployments.
I will give an example. McKinley from birth was very much so a Daddy's Girl. She was the baby that let me feed her and rock her. She almost always favored me over Heidi. I cherished every single minute of it. If any of the girls had me wrapped around their finger it was her. Reagan, my Brutus, was the exact opposite. The only reason I didn't sell that kid was because she made me laugh. I would get so frustrated with how much disliked me. Heidi and I only had Kennedy during the first deployment. She was a baby then. From experience I knew to expect changes before I got home from my second deployment. Expecting doesn't always mean you are prepared though. I remember it as if it were yesterday how all three of them came running down those concrete steps to rush into my arms. I remember fighting back tears of joy being able to hold them again. I can still hear the words of McK as she's hugging me she says, "Daddy, I missed you." All was great for a while. After a couple of weeks of being home I noticed how McK didn't really favor me any longer. I no longer had my Daddy's Girl. She didn't want a whole lot to do with me. Still to this day she doesn't really like me a whole lot most of time. Brutus on the other hand is my little buddy. I noticed an immediate change in her. All of a sudden she liked me.
I will not talk about my relationship with Kennedy tonight. This will be our third separation. She is growing up before my eyes and I cannot do anything to slow it down. Overnight it seems she is morphing from my first born child into a young lady. It hurts that I will not be there for her over the next year.
Some of you reading this may think that all children go through these phases. I completely agree. I also know deployments change the relationships for months/years after being reunited. Heidi and I have talked many hours about this and how it's affected our family. For me it is constantly on my mind and causes great anxiety. Sitting alone in a quiet hotel room 700 miles from them doesn't help much.
I feel as though I'm starting to ramble on the keyboard as it's been a long day and I'm starting to fade.
Please, if you take anything away from this post tonight, take these two things:
1. If you're blessed enough to be able to go kiss your sleeping children before you climb into bed, do so. Thank the Lord that He picked YOU to be their parent. And tomorrow and the day after that don't forget to do the same.
2. I love my daughters more than I can put into words. K-K, Brutus, and Pester...see you in my dreams tonight.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Anthrax Shots Hurt!
Just so you know, in case you ever become a goat or sheep herder or join the military, the anthrax series of vaccinations hurt! Yesterday I got stuck with the longest needle I’ve ever seen. The guy in front of me was bleeding after he got stuck. The subsequent injection was thankfully uneventful. I didn’t think it was too bad until I rolled over on my left shoulder in the early morning hours. It was painful enough that it woke me up. It got me thinking about all the vaccinations I’ve had over the years to ensure that I am protected against some pretty nasty diseases, whether in the form of Mother Nature or biological weapons.
Adenovirus, Anthrax, Hepatitis A & B, Influenza, H1N1 Influenza, Meningitis Conjugate, Measles Mumps and Rubella, Pneumococcal, Polio, Tetanus/Diphtheria, Typhoid, Varicella, and Yellow Fever. My personal favorite was Smallpox. It’s given by a fork-like needle and you’re poked several times on your upper shoulder. After a few days the area blisters up. You cannot scratch or pick at it or it’ll spread and blister again, thus repeating the process. After the blister scabs up and falls off you’re left with a nice little scar. Pretty good stuff.
Just never really thought about all of the stuff I’m injected with on a fairly regular basis.
I found out for sure today where I’m going to end up while I am deployed in Afghanistan. I will ultimately end up at FOB Dwyer in southern Helmand Province. I was also pretty happy to find that a couple of my buddies will be going with me. I cannot explain how important it is to have friends with you while you’re deployed. You share the good times, as well as the bad. (I probably don’t have to further explain what a bad time in a combat zone would entail.) I’m glad TK is going. It’d be a short list for those that I would want to go into harm’s way with, and he’s close to the top. He’s a good friend, a good confidant, and a good Marine. I know we’ll do a good job taking care of each other and in the meantime make some good memories doing so.
Since I started this blog yesterday I’ve felt the need to put my deeper thoughts in writing. Both days I’ve written I just cannot bring myself to do so. I have a lot on my mind, a lot I want to say, if not to everyone else, but to myself. Thus far you’ve only been privy to some of my random thoughts. Stand by and hang in there. All in due time. For now this is my side of the story.
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