Father and Daughters

Lately I have spent a lot of time thinking about my children.  I am surrounded by reminders of them.  At my office I have pictures that they have colored for me as well as the Father's Day card which has a picture of all of us.  I also have the pictures we had taken prior to me deploying.  In my room, right next to my bed, taped to the wall are the pictures that I had with each of the girls at Chuck E. Cheese's in Jacksonville, North Carolina, while I was doing predeployment training workups.

I am constantly checking Heidi's Facebook page for new pictures of the girls.  I know that the children in the pictures are my own, but they are not the way that I remember them.  I see my daughters growing up through photographs.  It is a double-edged sword.  On one hand I love seeing those bright blue eyes that all three of them inherited from their mother.  I love seeing the expressions on their faces.  It allows me to imagine what they are thinking or saying at the moment the picture was taken.  I smile.

The other side of the sword often cuts deep.  It reminds me of how very far away from them that I am.  I see the things that they are doing and the places that they are going without me.  It hurts that I'm not there with them.  I miss giving hugs and butterfly kisses in our own secret, special way that no one else knows each night before they fall asleep.

That's the thing that I wonder about the most.  I know reconnecting with the kids after a deployment is a challenge.  Maybe not at first, but eventually there's some fallout of being gone for so long.  Trust me, after a couple of deployments I have firsthand experience.  It's the little things.  When the kids get hurt they don't come to me, they go to Heidi.  When the kids want some chocolate milk they don't go to me, they go to Heidi.  When they are tired they don't want to lay on my lap, they lay on Heidi's.  This time I wonder if Kennedy has grown to the age where she no longer needs butterfly kisses from her dad.

KK was just a baby when I left and returned the first time.  She was a little older the last time.  I don't think Reagan or McKinley have any recollection of my second deployment.  I'm glad for that.  I'd rather them not remember me being gone.  This time though there is no way around it.  Kennedy especially is at an age where she'll remember me being gone.  The other two will hopefully forget over time.  I hope that when they are older they will understand why I chose this job.

I try not to dwell on the what if's of returning.  There are too many things more important than that mind game.

I miss my girls.  More than they know.  Even from the other side of the world, in the terrible place that I am, they bring a joy to my life that I cannot describe with words.  I am about two months away from being with them again.  To say that I can't wait would be an understatement.